if i only could
by AllisseLove
Summary: It will be deleted later!


**It's based on my real life story, it's like a sequel to my project beautiful story well kind of. So if this story confused you then I'll suggest to read my other story first called "Everyone is beautiful and so are you". Please go easy on the review, I'm already that sad and I really don't want to be sadder. **

**This story may have some light cursing, hurting and hard moments but there will be some light warnings on it. Also in this story is about a girl named Alexia who is me. I just don't like to put my own name in the story. This story is filled with some true facts that's actually real to me. **

**Something you should know about Alexia, she did things what I have done in my life, but we have both one difference and that's Alexia have a boyfriend and I don't have one. Maybe you are asking why I did that well it's for me easier to write that way. **

**Read well and don't go hard on the reviews. Oh and please if you are from Twitter and don't have an account then would you please review with your twitter user name so I know who of the guest reviewers are. **

**I don't own Kickin'It, Google chrome, Twitter or other things I forgot. I do own my own twitter account! **

**Well let's begin… **

**If I only could**

**Alexia POV: **

It has been a year ago since the project beautiful. Thanks to Kim I didn't got bullied anymore. I was just me again… Well okay not 100% me. I've been hiding my secret for a really long time now and I didn't know what to do…

If people ask me how I was then I always mostly answered with 'I'm okay' or 'It goes' and most of the time I lied to them, because I was afraid of telling them, the truth. The truth about what happened to me, and I still am afraid that it would haunt me down. Or that people think that I'm crazy… **(That's a true fact) **

Even though some people see that I'm lying or something, but they don't say a thing. That hurts. Well like I said it was a year ago since the project beautiful. I graduated for high school and I'm now in collage. I'm studying pedagogical staff member **(that's a true fact… but I really didn't how to type that down but it's a study for taking care of kids in a day care)**.

I was in my dorm room. I turned my laptop on. While I was waiting for my laptop to start up when someone knocked on my door. I stood up and opened my dorm room, and I faced my boyfriend Leoh.

I forced a smile and greeted him with a kiss on his cheek. "Okay what's wrong?" Leoh asked me. I battled with my eyelashes and said "Nothing, just starting up my laptop." He hummed, I rolled my eyes and asked "Are going to come in or was it just a checkup that I'm still alive?" Leoh walked inside and sat on my bed. I sighed and closed the door.

I walked to my bed and lied down on my stomach so I could type in my password. As my laptop was loading Leoh asked me "How is your study?" I sighed and said "Hard, I have already tons of homework in the first day." I went to Google chrome and went to my mail box.

I saw that I had 15 unread mails. I opened them one by one and read a massage from Callmeolivian "IT'S OK WHY THAT NAME?! WHAT HAPPENED?" **(True fact)** I read that in the mail. Oh boy I wish I never opened that mail, because Leoh asked me "Alexia, what does your sister mean with that tweet?" "It's nothing sweetie." I answered totally lying to him. Leoh hummed again and said "Yeah sure" Then the next mail said 'someone commented on your blog 'I don't trust' **(true fact)**.

I closed the window and faced Leoh. Who was looking at me with a 'you know you have to tell me' look? I sighed ones again and said "It's a long story, Leoh" he nodded and said "I have the time" "No I really mean it's a long story." I complained. "Just try to tell me." Leoh told me, I know he would be irritated that I wouldn't tell him "Why should I tell you, if I can let you read it?" I muttered to him.

"Tell me shortly about what I'm going to read." He told me when I went to my blog. I nodded and said "Well you know Channel bullied me, so yeah that kind of thing and something else." Well it was not much information, because I didn't know how I had to put it in words.

I opened my blog and let him read it, and I read with him along.

**(AN in my blog will a name appear 'Mandy' she's the Channel Alexia was talking about. This blog is already a year old and it's on the KI wiki)**

**_Hey, my dear family,_**

**_So as you all know. I left the wiki a few days ago._**

**_I'm sorry about that, but I had no choice._**

**_I was hurt and confused. I'm still._**

**_Well most off you are maybe interested what happened to me._**

**_So I decide to share my feelings._**

**_Begin from the story._**

_I was left alone by my friends. I was so broke that I couldn't think straight._

_Lucky for me it's now over._

_Well I thought it was._

_When I made it okay with my friends._

_I talked to my other best friend, who's now my ex best friend._

**_How did this happened?_**

_Well I talked to her and she talked back to me. We were very close friends. Until I made a mistake._

_I ask her if she wanted a ride. She wanted._

_She hopped on the back off my bike. (I hope you guys understand what I mean.)_

_She didn't hold. She only had her one hand holding her bag and her other hand she was busy with her PHONE!_

_Not to forget, I had a bike bag. (I don't know how it called)_

_I had a one heavy bag, with books and one gym bag, but it was small so her bag can in it, but she didn't._

_I had to stop suddenly._

_I went to my house, but half way my way. I forget my friend._

_I stopped and said 'shit' so I went back, but she wasn't there._

_Okay maybe she stepped out and went to the bus._

_When I was home I got a call from her mom._

_It went like this:_

_Me: Hello?_

_Her Mom: MELISSE WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP MANDY!?_

_Me: I thought that she was._

_Her Mom: SHE JUST CAME HOME AND TOLD ME THAT SHE FELT FROM YOUR BIKE AND THAT YOU NEVER CAME BACK._

_Me: I didn't know that she felt!_

_Her Mom: WEL SHE DID AND YOU HAVE KNEW YOU LEFT HER ALONE!_

_Me: I didn't KNEW THAT!_

_Her Mom: OMG! YOU LEFT HER... IT'S LIKE LAST YEAR! YOU LEFT HER! I DON'T WANT TO THAT YOU AND MANDY ARE FRIENDS!_

_And she ended the phone call._

_She didn't even gave me the chance to let me explain._

**_Next day._**

_I got to school and my other friends ask me "What happened with you and Mandy?" I told them what happened and they told me that she told it different. It made me really mad. I mean how could she do that? I didn't push her from my bike! How can I do that while I was on my bike?!_

**_So anyways on February,_**

_My friends and I were talking and then came the 'liar' to join us… Then she called me "Mel" I looked at her and she said "nice nails" "thanks" I said and turned to my friends and rolled my eyes. I wasn't that happy anymore._

_Then lunch came and guess. She was there too!_

_She couldn't find her food so I was begging nice to her and she said "No thanks I don't want it" I though "OMG I try to be nice to her and she don't. Okay I'm done'_

**_The next day_**

_My friend told me that Mandy said this in homeroom: This is what Melisse said 'here take it' and I said just 'no' really only 'no'" then my friend said "She was begging nice to you!" and then she was silent._

_I was about to punch her right in the face!_

_I was really mad._

_Now over to this week._

_BTW this all happened in lunch times what I going to tell you._

**_Monday 25 March.2013_**

_She gives me glares. All the time. And tried to make me jealous to talk to my friend. Knowing me I'm not a jealous person. She kept talking to her. I just ignore it. 'My friend told me that she was going to be crazy around her' I told her 'if you going to be crazy why don't you leave her?' 'You have a point' she said._

**_Tuesday 26 March.2013_**

_I didn't saw her all day lucky for me._

_But I hear again rumors about ME!_

_I tell you it where Bad Rumors!_

_THAT I HAD TO DIE! Or that I had to kill myself! And that kind of stuffs._

_I was ignored by my friends. SO I was done with it. Really done!_

_That's why I wrote that comment at the kick page..._

_At that night... I just cut and hurt myself._

_I'm sorry but I couldn't stand it anymore!_

_I was so confused! Nobody understands me!_

_It was really getting on my nerves!_

**_Wednesday 27 March.2013_**

_I went to school and saw her again! I told my friends to help me if I lose my control. To hurt her. I'm glad I didn't felt like killing or hurting. Instead off that I cut again. It hurt allot!_

_But yeah nobody loves me. I swear nobody Love this girl! That's why I did that._

_Man I was really upset._

**_Thursday 28 March. 2013_**

_We went to the white church for school. After that we went to school to have a brunch. Then my friend went to that girl and gave me glares too! Okay I cried almost. After the brunch we were free. I grabbed my stuffs and went to the bath room and told to myself 'Nobody loves you, they only use you like shit. They need something to bring it out and then they flush it through the toilet.' and I cut my wrist. Not with a knife, but whit my long nails. They were sharp enough to make a mark and let it bleed a bit. I was that day really silent. I didn't felt like a human but like nobody. I didn't laughed for hours. I was still upset and confused. I didn't knew what to do._

_So I decide to come on the wiki. I had a bit contact with my twin and she told me to tell it her and you all. But I was too scared to tell it to you, because I was too afraid off your reaction. That I get from you guys. Don't get me wrong I love you all, but some W.C. weren't nice to me at all, they told me to die or that I have to end my life! I'm sorry that I didn't told it earlier, but I was too broke to tell it. Other things happened to me, but I'm not really ready to tell you, because I can't trust allot off peoples anymore, because all my trust fade away. So I'll waiting for the reaction. From you guys and then I continue._

When he ended reading it. He crossed his arms. "Explain more" He told me, "Well I wrote this a year or so ago and then never continued it, because nobody will be interested anymore. The reason I didn't told you was that I didn't want to bother you about it."

It was quiet "But it's all over now right?" he asked me I stood up from my bed and said "Yeah, that is but my depressing isn't" "You still depressed?" Leoh asked me. I nodded.

Okay a little bit an explanation to you all. I've been depressed lately, because I feel left alone. It really feels like I've been forgotten by everybody. Yeah I know some may have said to me that I'm not alone, but I tell you I am. I've almost started cutting me again, but I stopped. My parents are more interested in my little sis then at me. It looks like that I don't exist anymore! All I want is my parents to listen to me, but the give me shortly attention. And if I say something about what they do wrong and so… they say we didn't feed you up like that… my mom usually say to me. I had last a feeling that I had to ran away from home, but I didn't because my little sis told me to stay because she couldn't live without me, and I'm the reason she's here. **(True fact) **

Sometimes I sit in my room with the door closed and cry in my room. Nobody around me. And kept on saying 'nobody loves me for who I am.' 'Why do I need to change for them?' my friend Costanza told me that they aren't friends of mine and that they don't deserve me at all…

I know that she was right, but I have to deal with them for another three years.

"I'm sorry babe." Leoh said and he hugged me. "It's okay." I answered and hugged him back. We stood there for a good five minutes. "Babe, I need to go to my next lesson. I speak to you after my lesson" Leoh said, I nodded and pecked his lips and said "I've some questions in my mind what I have to ask my cuties. Though so I'll see you after your lesson." Leoh left me and I sat back on my bed and went to Twitter and ask my besties these questions.

It may kill you what I'm going to ask but don't blame me.. i was supper depressed...

1) On the scale from one to ten how much do you care about me and why?

2) What was your first reaction when you read my name?

3) Is it irritating that i bother you sometimes with my problems?

4) What is the thing you like about me?

5) i would never try this again but, what would be your reaction if i said I don't want to live anymore...

6) i used to cut... but i've never able to tell you about it...

You know i'm crying my eyes out right now... this was it…

Costanza was one of the first one who reacted on my questions.

1) More than Ten tbh i really really care about u u're my big SIS!

2) I was SO worried for u and a lil bit schocked

3) no

4) You're so nice and sweet and awesomeee ;3

5) I would be even MORE WORRIED about u and tell u that not matter what happens u have to go on living

And number six… I wish I've never asked her…

WHAT WHY WHEN ㈸1㈸1 PLEASE DON'T DO IT EVER AGAIN

I just couldn't answer it. My eyes were watery and my hands were shaking. I was able to go to the homepage and read this tweets.

costy. Callmeolivian 17 min.

Ok now i stop talking about depressing things

costy. Callmeolivian 18 min.

We should try to stay strong and go on not ruin our own body

costy. Callmeolivian 19 min.

Knowing that some people i know and talk to used to cut kinda breaks my heart ㈎8

This broke me down literally. I hugged my knees put my head on my knees and cried. I am so afraid how my other bestie will react….

**Well this was kinda my story about what happened to me… it's just I'm literally afraid of losing my Oliviansisters and my besties. I just don't know what to do right now… **

**To: Costy**

**Cossy, I'm sorry that I didn't told you earlier but, I am still afraid of losing people and I'm scared that we aren't sisters anymore… but you have to know that I didn't do this all on** **purpose. I just don't want to lose you… **

**It same goes to the others. I don't want to lose you all… **

**Review down below, **

**But please don't make me cry harder and harder for what I did all I need is some peoples to have my back. Nothing more that's all I ask. **

**And for the readers from that's why I'm not posting my stories any more. I'm just too depressed about it.**

**Please comment…**

**it isn't my best work, but i hope you all a little understand why and what i've been trough.**

**I'll delete this story also because it supposed to be an explanation to my friends who doesn't have an account here...  
><strong>

**AllisseLove **


End file.
